I’ve been living as a digital nomad for the last two months (gosh, how time flies).
Living this way has been a dream of mine for around a decade, so the rush of joy I felt when jetting to Bali in early August was mind boggling, to say the least.
But what I didn’t expect it to do was dredge up a plethora of emotions and insecurities I didn’t know were laying dormant, beneath my sunny disposition.
My friends, I fucked up.
There, I said it – I blew up my life in Melbourne for like, THE 5TH TIME in the last decade, believing it was just “the oppression of Melbourne’s lockdowns” that I needed to escape from.
Nope, not even close.
Any guesses on what I was trying to escape?
If you guessed MYSELF, then you’re right on the money.
What I was trying to escape from wasn’t trauma, pain or even a fear of the unknown: it was something much more terrifying.
I blew up my life to escape happiness.
Twisted, right?
I had finally built a life I loved and what do I go and do? I BLOW IT UP.
Now, before the sympathy kicks in, I want you to know something.
Blowing up my life is the reason I’m still alive today.
When I was 10 years old, I called my dad and said that if he didn’t come and pick me up from living with my mum, I was running away on my own (to his credit he came right away).
So you can see how this all starts to get a little complicated.
(BTW, the reason I’m sharing this today is because I have a feeling some of you may be aware of a similar pattern in your own life, one that used to make you happy but now tears you apart).
My original copying mechanism (aka, make a dramatic change to save your life) has brought me SO many amazing things: lifelong friends, adventure, love, education and freedom – which is why I’m so reluctant to let it go.
But here I am, on the precipice of becoming the Artist I’ve always dreamed of being, doing work that is actually lighting me up and attracting people who I genuinely admire and love…and KABOOM.
And this time, while it has given me a taste of all those beautiful things, it isn’t working anymore.
Why?
I don’t need saving anymore.
As the ‘healthy adult’, I’m meeting my own emotional needs and giving ‘Little Marion’ all the attentive parenting she never really had.
When you realise that the old coping mechanisms have stopped working, it’s really confronting.
When you realise that you can finally live a life where good things happen more than bad things do, it calls for a bit of rewiring – or in my case, a brand new circuit board.
Getting comfortable with success, happiness and love takes practice.
You might need to give yourself a little pep talk, maybe something along the lines of:
“No, they don’t hate me, they’re just focused on living their life"
“No, the other shoe won’t drop, there’s just no more drama to feed”
“Yes, there’s a chance my work will bomb, but there’s an even greater chance it will blow up (in a good way)”.
All of this to say that what I thought I wanted, what I thought I was chasing, I already had – but it’s not about a lifestyle or location.
The reason the digital nomad life isn’t fulfilling any needs for me right now is because I’m already fulfilling them in so many other ways:
My need for adventure…I get from my creative practice.
My need for connection…I get from my work.
My need to be seen…I get from you, reading my words (wink).
My need for newness…I get by breaking my daily routine and trying something different.
Travel will always be a part of my healing, but its purpose in my life is changing, which I welcome with open arms.
So what does this mean for my current travels?
I’m all planned up til mid-January next year, then after that, anything could happen.
What I do know for sure is that 2023 is going to be the year of the Artist for me – and this creative needs a studio and a home to stay grounded and create wondrous things.
So, if you’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, don’t – it gets to be good now and it’s safe to be you.
Creatively yours,
Dr Maz xo
PS: Want to book me as a speaker for your next event or podcast? Check out my Creative Mornings/Melbourne talk called ‘How to Spiral Up with Creativity’ to see what you’re in for.
WoW! Now this reading has made my day! My « aha » moment? There is no more drama to feed! And with these few words, the clouds parted and the sunshine appeared! Beautiful insight and wonderful feeling! 😊